Bitter Sweet

My emotions are raw today. Maeson has another angel baby to join him in Heaven, which is so sweet to me. But that also means someone lost a precious baby. A dear friend of mine, and my heart aches for her. We went to school together once upon a time and have stayed close through the years thanks to Myspace, Facebook, and now Blogspot. She contacted me today for support and advice, here is my letter to her...

I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. It is absolutely the worst thing we have ever been through. My first miscarriage was at 8 weeks, it was very quick. I went to the hospital on a Friday. They did an ultrasound, saw the heartbeat, and sent me home. My symptoms worsened over the weekend so on Monday when I went to the dr. they took blood and informed me that I had miscarried. The physical pain was bearable, but I had a really hard time emotionally. I was very depressed. I had to go back for bloodwork every week to insure that nothing of the baby was left. At my one month check-up, I found out I was pregnant again. I was not happy. I did not want the baby that I was pregnant with, I longed for the baby I had lost. I was disconnected my entire pregnancy, but of course, I'm head over heels in love with my son. It was just too soon. They told me you are really fertile after a miscarriage, wish I would've known sooner! With Maeson, it's an entirely different scenario. I was 16 weeks, I had a cold, as I do with every pregnancy. I went to the dr. cause I felt like I had the flu. They did the routine... blood pressure, weight, measured my stomach, and got out the heartbeat doppler. Only to find no heartbeat. The nurse assured me everything was fine, and said she would do an ultrasound right away. I knew. Less than five minutes later it was confirmed through an ultrasound, that my baby had died. I had a cold, I didn't go there to find out that there was a dead baby inside of me! It was horrible. The next two days were surreal. My Mom, cousin, MIL, husband and I spent two days at the hospital together. I gave birth to a baby boy. Tiny and lifeless. We made the best of it, we buried him on a sunny Sunday afternoon, it was really beautiful. I hope you can stay strong, as strong as you can possibly be through this. I had two friends who were due the same month as me. It was definitely one of the most difficult parts of my "recovery". One couple is our really close friends, they live two blocks away, and they had a boy. What I chose, was to deal with it head-on. We spent a lot of time with them during her pregnancy, she borrowed my breastpump and maternity clothes, I even threw them a couple's shower. It helped me to face the pain and not to ignore it. One night, I went through Trey's baby clothes, things Maeson would have worn, and packed them neatly in a bag and gave them to our friends. I layed on the floor surrounded by those baby clothes and cried. It hurts, it's truly painful. Sometimes my entire body HURTS, I want my baby so badly. But, thankfully, I have the experience of losing a baby, and then having another. SO I know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel, and I want you to know that too. You have to do what works for you as far as having another. Just give yourself some time and concentrate on getting through this chapter, I hope ya'll decide to try again. Okay, I have poured my heart and soul out to you! It felt good though, it's something everyone is afraid to talk to me about, so it's nice to get it all out! (hmm... I may blog tonight! LOL) I will be thinking about you and I hope your appointment goes well. ttyl

I included a picture of Josh and I holding Maeson at the hospital. We are keeping the images of him private, but I love this shot of our hands as we hold our angel baby.